singapore:
where the sun shines and where nobody really smiles.

plea

sweet heavens,

i am so tired of studying for my degree and working too hard for my money.
so please, won't you grant me my good fortune so that i could live the life i love and never have to work again. Ever.

Thank you.
T

wished i wasn't hating on the world tonight

stationary dimensions

i'm going to bangkok for a 5 day holiday with wj tomorrow.
i hope when i come back that i don't ever have to see my dad again.

also, i cannot help but find the endless fued between blackberry and iphone users immensely annoying. being completely incapable of expressing any feelings of benevolence at this moment, i can only wish the next person who publicly declares the majesty of her mobile to mine dead.

Nothing against your blackberry, fuckhead.

_l_

subway lullaby

one evening from about three weeks ago,
i was tired, lonely, decked in grey and on a train. gloomed by daylight and paled by overwhelming vexation from thoughts of "if i'd make it in time for work today."

i never do.

sitting beside me was a newspaper reading old man who dressed like urban broadway and whom existence i wouldn't think i'd ever care about.

while i was getting up to leave and still on my music player, he turned to me and said "I hope you have a good day". the tone of his voice so full of heart they clapped like happy cannons through my earphones which before so, were playing in my ears music that was so deafeningly sad they could raise a dead.

i smiled.

Ian:
Hey!
How are you?
It's been too long!
Hows it goin?
What have you been up to?

Person X:
Sup

something

i have had absolutely zero incitements to work my blog on.

this is terrible.

i am believing that causes includes my current being in an unlawfully blissful marriage or rather remaining constantly shocked at how much of myself it takes to being a half-heartedly employed workhorse.

i have been feeling so occupied yet deranged that in the past months besides combating acne and thinking of the world as a bitch there have been almost positively nothing i found worth writing about.

right this moment i have a thought and it is so mentally consuming i declare myself paralysed.

clearly if i were to start getting any less boring than this the universe is going to start hating me.

for so i blame myself

lying to yourself doesn't make it any easier.

i suppose my heart's already been taken away but that isn't going to stop me from getting a heart attack before the end of the weekend. I'm no longer even close to being remotely aspirational to whatever remaining consistency there is between my words and what i do. i could be underestimating my head here.

and if you have a mind and it's thinking about watching Watchmen, don't do it.

this silence is killing me too....

dear God of a thousand names.

Please take me to London this summer.
I love you.

Thank You.

xoxo, little t <3

gotta get away from here

i find i can no longer manage. being in company or without. or even just being.
it is as if the only existing trace of my living importance is in this lonesome virtualism.
look, but i'm not even here.

this is a terrible condition with only enough room for one.
no place for co-existence. for faith for liking or even love.

makes my misery now feel like something out of an alaskan love song.

You hope for a thoughtful person who would come along to enable your delusions so that your pain could be briefly forgotten. but what would it make you?

my back hurts and i just want to cry.

somewhere, there are partying pantsies floating..

too prideful. too clever. neither. either.

we touched.

i mean, he touched me on the bared side of my shoulders. on valentine's day. i know. but i could've fainted then and there. and i would if we touched again.

i'll be going out with the cute (and unfortunately available) wnjz this sunday, but only because i really do not know what else i could do to put myself out of this misery wanting EC.

EC's become my daily ritual suicide. i could throw myself out my window now, but because i'm living on the first storey i'd probably just bruise my bum.

your hair's looking nice, your skin's looking radiant, you've started looking better in pictures than you usually do. you're no longer fat and OH BOY WHAT MUSCLES YOU HAVE NOW.
you're looking so fine now i just want to bite myself and bleed.

not good, t.

it's valentine's day today.
i want to stay home and drink a gallon of milk and not laugh for a day and cry.

we carry on, naturally.

but what else would i do except that?
who's listening to me? my walls, my curtains, or the air.
places i once were i am no more.
this growing space, the ailing connection, so faintly forlorn, so lonely.

hello?
hello?
can you hear me?

i met the man i am going to marry on my last train home today.

whatever you wish for, you'll see

i'll go get my ball

these days
there is NOT a word or a sentence that comes out of my mouth
that doesnt end or isnt apostrophized by a profaned abbreviation

ever closed your eyes dreaming that you're the one i'm dreaming of?

my days could last this cold at dawn.
On a lonely night as beautifully weathered as this i could make do with a little more of you.
i could also just make do with your thoughts alone in mine, but i'd be happy too just to know that you think about me.

Oh, hello again.
:)

if you're happy and you know it gimme some money

you've flapped and fluttered against limits long enough
you've been a bird without wings
in a house without doors or windows
compassion builds a door
courage cuts a key
ask,step off into the air
like a baby hawk
strut proudly into the sunlight
not looking back
take sips of this pure wine being poured
don't mind if you've been given a dirty cup
it's nothing.

turn yourself around

Happy first post of 2009. i'm feeling extremely pretty today.

x, T